Regrets

You taught me how to open up to others, to be kind and willing to help others when they needed a hand. Most specially, you showed and taught me to be honest...these are the wonderful things I learned from you but sadly, this is also the "cause" for you to stay away me...

I looked back to what I have done. Would I change it if I have to do it all over again? Certainly not. That instant moment when I saw her searching desperately for answers and neither you nor I were willing to give her the answers to her questions, that moment, I saw myself on her...that is one of the reasons why I did it...

If she really special person as you told me then, she deserve much, much more...

This is my last word regarding "This"...I hope you will learn to forgive me...

The Big Change

There was nothing left in the house except my plants which I could not take it with me...

The Lunch

The building reminded me of him. This was the place I first met him. His desk was covered with blueprints, papers, pen, pencils, different types of rulers. I vividly remember that first day I met him...

"I am glad you are here...maybe you could help me," he said calmly, without looking at me. He was so focused on his laptop screen.

Now, on my first day, I met him at the cafeteria. He still the same, still wearing the thick glasses, still wearing the tie I gave him for christmas a year ago, still speaks softly and calmly, still the same person...intelligent, funny, honest, caring and much much more...and most of all, he is still the same person who wanted to be my friend.

While we are having interesting conversations, another friend of mine joined our table. I introduced both them to each other.

Certainly, everyone of us, three of us, knew that we were all friends. The conversation was purely friendship...friendship for three of us that I hope will last for life...

Familiar Faces

It was nice to see old friends again...finally, I am home...

True Love

The truth? There was commitment, dedication, care and love in the relationship...all it needed is a fresh start...

It is sad to see a wonderful relationship pushed aside because of a broken promise...sometimes thing happened for a reason...maybe it happened to measure your love for each other...to get to know each other, willing to understand each other, willing forgive each other and always there to comfort each other....instead of running away from it when things go wrong...

And just to see you, throwing it all away...it is very sad...true love should never ended this way...

Because I played god to this wonderful relationship...my god, what have I done...

Happiness

Speak with truthfullness and you will find happiness...

Together Again

Being each other, we know it is wrong,
you with her, I with him seems so long...

Pushing the time,
to be with you everytime...

Waiting for you until dawn,
...sleepless and feeling down...

But when sun comes, you and I knew,
our love begins and starts new...

The New Beginning

Such caring and loving person,
today a perfect day for he and I to be alone...

His body next to mine,
giving me warmth, making sure I am fine...

His blue eyes focused on mine,
I wonder what is his mind...

He often whisper, "I Love You..."
and I replied back, "I love you too..."

For him, honest love I will give,
love that will last...as long as I live...

The cycle

Here we are again,
trouble almost our game...

You lied for me... I lied for you,
...promised it will be the last game for me and you...

Playing someones feelings,
at the end... only guilty feelings will bring...

Here we are again,
trouble almost our game...

You lied for me... I lied for you,
...promised this will be the last game for me and you...

It is like a game of chess,
the "heartless one" win... will be the "best"...

Reality

Sometimes the answer to our questions is just right infront of us, or perhaps we already know...it just a matter of accepting it...

Who is He?

His blue eyes, his lips,
speaks trust and love...as he promised...

Haunted by my lost love I had,
I always questioned his love and often made him sad...

"What do you want me to do to show how much I love you?"...he often asked,
I went into silence...never to speak back...

I often wonder,
...his intension, if his love sincere...

for I have so much love to give...
but once again, hunted by my lost love...for now, I am not willing to give...

The Stranger

For him, I gave everything I own,
we dream of a world...which we call home...

One bed we shared,
the man I love, I trust and I cared...

Until one day I dream of him,
and had glimpse of his darkside which I never seen...

Morning came, I was glad it is just a dream,
but the dream became reality when I was with him...

The His Last Word

We decided it was over,
and impossible to start...and again, be together...

Then he disappeared, no where to be found,
only old memories of he and I...he left behind...

His last word was "Goodbye",
a word to hear... I will die...

The Dinner

While he was working on his boat, getting ready for our weekend trip next week, I gave him a kiss and went inside the house. Often, I changed my exercise outfit and wear his T-shirt when I cook. Tomatoes, onions, garlic, brocolli, olive oil and boiled meat...wow, he remember everything I said! Fried rice and brocolli beef for dinner...is one of his favorite. I set the table and light up two candles.
Surely,when he walked in, he was so pleased about everything...

After dinner, laid down and cuddle on the couch. Then he starting to comb my hair with his hand, giving me passionate kiss, and a tight embrace...I decided to close my eyes...then, I started going back again...back into my "past"...again, experiencing what I had before...the intimacy...the love that I used to have...

It is All About Me

Remember how you used to know how I feel? Specially when I am feeling down, you always there to comfort me. You never fail to show how much you care and love me but lately you seems so distant from me. I am here...I am alive...I am not just a good memory for you to just push aside...I have love to give...more than anyone could give... but I think it is time for me to go since, I dont have any place in your heart anymore...just remember I always love you...

Sadness

There are so many things in my mind right now, and it interfere in my writing...I could not write anymore... no matter how I tried...

The Letter

For you Mahal,

I often wonder what lies ahead for both of us. Part of me wants you to include you in my future and other the half, you stays in my past. As I lay down in my bed at night, thinking of my future, hopes and dreams, there is sadness I often feel because I know you will never be again with me. My goals are for what? for who? I thought doing everything right will give me something in return...my happiness...if you ask me if I am happy? No...because I dont have you.

Happiness is hard to find, and I found it in you. You are the only reason for my existance. The moment you left me, my world crumbled, shattered in to pieces and I am not quite sure how to put them back together. Certainly, it will never be the same without the man I admire, respect and truly love...it is you mahal.

I wish someday, I will find that someone...who will give me honest and true love as you gave me...and I wish someday, I could give my sincere love to that someone the same way that I gave you...

For now, dreaming of you everytime I close my eyes, is the closest I could be with you...please dont feel sorry for me...I gradually learning how to cope without you. I miss you so much...I love you and as I always tell you, I will continue loving you until the end...

Who is the One?

Decided to be with someone,
reason? "convenient" he said, then he was gone.

Disappeared and no goodbye,
hunted by old memories bring tears to my eyes.

What was left was heartaches from old love,
that I am certain, I will never again have.

Then, came along a special someone,
ready to accept me for who I am.

Each moment, each day, he held my hand,
kept me from falling down.

Confused who I should choose?
an old love or special someone which both, I die to lose?

His Love

I glanced at him and wonder what he was thinking. His silence made me uncomfortable. Will he forgive to all the things I have done? Is it too late for me to show how much I care for him?

But everyday he is proves how much he care and love me by the way he looks at me. He deserve much, much more in life than me. For now, I do the best I could to give him the only thing I have left, a sincere love for him and only him.

Each time I see him and be with him, my feelings towards him gets stronger and stronger. He helps me relieve the pain I feel inside. Hopefully, my heart wounds heal and then perhaps, I am ready for a new start....

Special Someone

I walked, miles and miles away,
...looking for that someone who took my heart away.

I looked and looked around,
...hoping to find that special one.

Until I reached the end and realized,
...he was with me the whole time, in my heart and mind.

Missing You

Hearing you voice again made me realize...
...how much I miss your company...
...how I still want your touch and your kisses...
...how I still desire you and only you...
Just letting you know that I often think of you, and I am still here for you....

Thanks

This drastic change in my life, I dont know hope to cope with it. No matter what I do, any decision I make, how careful it maybe, it always turned to a disaster. You, being away from me, him still upset about "US", and the "other things" continues...

Sometimes, I feel like getting to a point where I felt trap and there is no way out. I tried to reasons everything but my feelings always dominates and dictates my decisions. Happiness or responsibility are the two choices I have to make, it like a double edge sword, any of the choices, still, someone it going to get hurt.

I guess, I will live moment to moment and with you by my side. I will learn to be patient balancing my world...you, him still upset about "US" and the "other things"... Knowing you are there behind me gives me hope that everything will fall into the right places...everything goes where it should be...someday...I cannot wait until that day comes...

The Place

Covered with white, yellow, pink and blue,
a place where wild flowers grow.

Tall grasses dancing when the wind blows,
displaying magnificent shows.

Bees and butterflies flying freely,
hovering on the beautiful flowers endlessly.

Birds singing sweet melody,
capturing the heart of the place so lovely.

Magnificent lake painting the sky, hills and valleys,
siezing the face of moments so heavenly.

Here I am, the place I found
where my heart stays and bound

This is the place I wanted to be,
place to stay and be free.

Broken Promise

Sincere and honest love he offers,
his forever love just for me and not for others.

Precious moments with him I fear,
the chances of discovering whose heart I keep so dear.

Everytime he whispers... "I love you",
the first thing comes to mind is you.

The Truth

I often wonder if he is really happy now with his new life with someone. Does he question his love for her, as I question mine? Does he finally, found true love? Does he still cares about me as I care for him? Does his love for me gradually fading away? How could he think of me while he is with someone else? What does he wants from me? Does he, just like me, trying to hold on to the past and not letting it go.

Even though I question my feelings towards my "new found" love all the time, I am happy to what is happening to me right now. Pushing my feelings aside and ignoring how I feel inside, in my heart, no matter what I do, with the honest truth, I still love him...my past, my everything. He will always be in my mind and in heart and will treasure every moment with him. Yes, I am guilty thinking of him while I am with my "new love". Certainly, I care for him deeply and my love for him is stronger than ever. True love, which I found in him, is the only reason why I could not let go of my past. His love for me maybe fading away, but my love for him will always be the same.

Not seeing him physically is not that important, but just knowing that he still care and loves me are good enough for me, for I have nothing to offer except to love him, without him by my side. Perhaps things will never be the same again, and the possibility of he and I together probably will never happen again for he, I guess, already found a new love. Hopely someday, I will find that special someone too.

Fireworks

Seeing and hearing the fireworks was so sensational! The magnificent blinding display of different colors and the deafening sound stimulate all the senses of the body. Just like the fireworks that took my breath away, he that night, was quite remarkably, incredibly and insanely wonderful...

Love and Purpose

One quiet morning, a young beautiful fairy wokeup by an enchanting sound coming from below. She peeked through an small opening of the flower, where she was enclosed in, and curiously looked down. To her amazement, a human! A young handsome man leaning back on the tree, resting and whistling while fishing on the lake. It was her first time to see human. Fascinated, she flew down to see him.

From then on, eventhough it was forbidden for her to come out during the day, the young beautiful fairy sneaked out carefully, flew down, and waited for the young handsome man to come, avoiding the water afraid that human might see her through the reflection on the water, and also avoiding to touch the water for she will turn to human. Since he could not see her, she would fly around him, sit on his shoulder for hours and sometimes give him a kiss on the cheeks. Tears running down on her face everytime he leaves the place. She could not bear of not seeing him for a moments for she was falling in love with him.

For some unexplained reason, the similar things happened to the young man. Though he could not see her, he could sense her presence, and he was compel to go back to the same place again, and again underneath the mystical tree.

One day while the young fairy fell asleep on his shoulder, the young men got up and walked towards the water to see if he catch a fish. As he bent over, to his surprise, he saw her on his shoulder through the reflection on the water. With disbelief, he looked down again and once again he saw the same thing. Frighten, he tried to get up but instead fell on the water. As both of them fell, a magical events occured to her wings disappeared, and she turned just like him. A human! Astonished and bewildered, she was unsure what to do or say but for certain, with no any doubt, both of them found love on each other the very beginning.

As the young beautiful fairy completely gone, what was left at the edge of the lake was an old tree looking down on its reflection from the water each day. Hoping to get a glimpse of once a upon a time, time when everything was magical, but now it is just an abandoned old tree waiting to catch its last breath and prepare itself to its final destiny.

I Love You

Dreams and feelings are to be shared...
... special moments together are to be remembered.

Our hearts and souls became one...
... you and I were the lucky ones.

For true love, we already found...
... cherish it, guard it, for our love is one of a kind.

You and only you, I dream everyday...
... once again to become mine someday.

Certainly the day will come...
... waiting for you with open arms.

The Great Magician

While waiting for him taking a shower, I was in bed changing the TV from one channel to another. Then, I came across a channel that caught my attention. One channel showed a magician performing. I decided to watch it for a few minutes. Amazing, birds came out from his hat! Eventhough it is an old trick, it still amazes me. Once in a while camera pointed towards the audiences, and I noticed the audiences reaction to every tricks the magician made. Blown away by his performance, the audiences emotions were taken completely. They were amazed, fascinated, curious and sometimes frighten during the show. The great magician perform so well, played the audience emotions until the show was over.

As I reflected back to my "past", was he a great magician too? Took control of my emotions for every moments? For me, that moments were real, but for him I guess is just an act, and his main goal is to capture and steal my emotions for a moment.

Maybe, it is time to let go of my "past", put away the promise ring for there is no significant value it represent. Maybe every moments with him and all the symbolic things he had given me is just an illusion...just like the a magician's great performance...nothing was real.

Trust

"Trust permits risk, which permits change, which permits growth." - unknown

Everytime I see his blue eyes, how he looks at me and softly whispher the words "I Love You", and feel his touches, it reminds me how lucky I am to have him in my life. He had given me almost everything including trust, a trust of not having to do with my "past", inspite of seeing the promise ring which I wear everyday.

As we walked back to his house, hand in hand, I am completely certain that he is the man I am searching for, to be with the rest of my life. Absolutely, he has a place in my heart, and because to the trust, he and I can start a new beginning.

The Rules

While sitting in the porch having coffee, we had an interesting conversation, and also we decided to discuss the rules to make our relationship to work.

"Ok, you tell me what do you want from me, and I will do it." he said first.
I reluctantly replied, "Are you sure?"
"I am sure! So tell me, what are the things that upset you? what are your rules?" he insisted.
"Well, ok, here is my first rule...no looking at another woman especially when I am around." I said and continued, "women friends are not allowed to visit your place, and the most important thing is be honest with me."
He looked me in the eye and said, "that's all?" and he continued, "You know I never look at another woman, and you have the key to my house. Do you see women visiting my place?"
I smiled at him and said, "no, but do you have a "friend with benefit"...something like that?"
"What? No!" he answered. Then he asked, "Do you know what is the meaning of that?"
"I think so, do you?". I asked him curiously.
He rubbed my arm, put his face closer to mine and said, " I know what it means... sweetheart, I don't do it". Then, he kissed me on the lips assuring me that all his words were true.